VAN HALEN BIOPIC EXCERPT
by Zuma Dogg
HERE IS A SCENE FROM A VAN HALEN BIOPIC SCRIPT BY ZUMA DOGG:
EDWARD "ED" VAN HALEN IS IN CHECK-OUT LINE AT LOCAL GROCERY STORE. HE SETS A FEW ITEMS ON THE CHECK-OUT COUNTER. HE SEES THE MAGAZINE RACK WITH "GUITAR WORLD." ED'S PICTURE IS ON THE COVER WITH THE HEADLINE, "EDWARD VAN HALEN VOTED WORLD'S #1 GUITARIST."
ED (to check-out cashier)
Hold on.
ED WALKS TO ALCOHOL SECTION AND PICKS UP A GALLON BOTTLE OF VODKA AND RETURNS TO CASHIER REGISTER AND SITS BOTTLE DOWN WITH THE OTHER ITEMS.
ED (to cashier)
And, a pack of Marlboros.
TWO GUYS (WHITE, MALES, AGE 20) WALK UP TO CHECK OUT COUNTER AND SEE THE GUITAR PLAYER MAGAZINE ON THE RACK AND SEE ED IN LINE, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.
GUY 1
Oh my God! Eddie Van Halen. Hey man, congratulations on being the #1 guitarist in the world.
GUY 2
You got my vote. When's your new album coming out?
ED
Oh common. I'm not the #1 guitarist in the world. I just have my own style and do my own thing. There are lots of great guitarists. Ever hear of Alan Holdsworth? I wish I could do what he does.
GUY 1
I never heard of him. But, can't wait for the new album. I know it's gonna be the best Van Halen album, yet. We're gonna go to your show next time you play.
GUY 2
Wouldn't miss it for the world. You're the greatest guitarist of all time!
ED
Thanks. But, gimme a break. Don't put that kinda pressure on me. I'm just a punk kid who likes to play guitar.
CUT TO: ED AND AL IN THE 5150 STUDIO JAMMING
AL
I'm so proud of you. (beat) From the boat from Amsterdam to being voted the #1 guitarist in the world.
ED
Aw, common Al. I'm not #1. No one is #1. It's just a matter of preference.
AL
The fans voted. You got more votes than any other guitarist in the world. They like you more than they like Clapton, Page or Blackmore.
ED
I can't live up to the pressure. I just wanna play. I just wanna write and record songs with the band and play live. It's not a contest. I don't wanna constantly have to worry about topping myself and maintaining some guitar magazine award. That's a sure fire way to tank.
ED STARTS NOODLING ON THE GUITAR AND IT SOUNDS GREAT. AL KICKS IN WITH THE DRUM AND THEY ARE JAMMING A NEW TUNE.
CUT TO: NIGHT -- EXTERIOR
FERRARI SPEEDING DOWN PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY AROUND 100 MPH. A SHERIFF VEHICLE THAT PASSES THE FERRARI FROM THE OTHER DIRECTION SWINGS A U-TURN AND TURNS ON THE FLASHER AND SIREN. FERRARI PULLS OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. SHERIFFS JUMP OUT WITH GUNS DRAWN AND APPROACH THE VEHICLE AND DRIVER.
SHERIFF 1
(SHOUTING TO THE DRIVER) Get out of the car with your hands up!
ED SHUTS OFF THE ENGINE AND GETS OUT OF THE VEHICLE WITH HIS HANDS UP.
SHERIFF 2
(upbeat and happy) Eddie Van Halen! Eddie (beat) what the hell are you doing? You're gonna get yourself killed! Do you know how fast you were going?
ED
I'm sorry. Just blowing off a little steam.
SHERIFF 1 SEES OPEN BOTTLE OF VODKA AND A RIFLE IN THE VEHICLE
SHERIFF 1
Eddie (beat) I'm a huge fan. I have all your albums and saw Van Halen at The Forum on the "Women And Children First" tour and the "Fair Warning" tour. You're the greatest! But, we were driving over 100 miles per hour trying to catch up to you. That's immediate arrest and taken to jail. You'll have your driver's license automatically suspended. We don't want that.
ED
Thank you.
SHERIFF 1
How about we tow the car to the impound lot (beat) check you into a hotel. And, you can have someone pick you up and get the car out of the lot in the morning.
ED
Yeah. That's cool. I'll call my brother Al and he'll pick me up.
SHERIFF 2
Don't ever mention this to anyone. We could lose our badges. But, we know how much publicity this would get and we don't wanna put you through it. What's the rifle for if I may ask?
ED
When you drive a car like this you may have to defend yourself against car jackers.
SHERIFF
(humorously) As long as you weren't about to rob a 7-11.
ED
Not tonight.
ED SHAKES THE HANDS OF SHERIFF 1 AND SHERIFF 2
ED
Our little secret. I don't want this to get out either. Thanks, again.
CUT TO: INTERIOR - NIGHT (3am) PHONE RINGS AT AL'S HOME. AL AND HIS WIFE (STINE) ARE SLEEPING AND ARE AWAKENED BY THE PHONE.
(AL TO STINE)
Fuck! This is about Ed. He better be ok.
AL PICKS UP THE PHONE
AL
(urgent with a questioning tone) Hello?
SHERIFF 2
This is the Los Angeles County Sheriff Department. Is this Alex Van Halen?
AL
Yeah.
Yeah.
AL LISTENS AS SHERIFF EXPLAINS WHAT HAPPENED TO ED AND TELLS AL WHAT HOTEL ED IS SLEEPING IT OFF.
CUT TO: INTERIOR - AL'S PORCHE.
AL, ED AND STINE ARE DRIVING TO THE IMPOUND LOT WHERE ED'S CAR IS BEING HELD, AFTER PICKING ED UP FROM THE HOTEL.
AL
(to Ed) Ed, Stine and I can't live this way. We're constantly worried, every time the phone rings, that it's gonna be the call that you joined Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and Bon Scott in rock and roll heaven.
(to Ed) Ed, Stine and I can't live this way. We're constantly worried, every time the phone rings, that it's gonna be the call that you joined Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and Bon Scott in rock and roll heaven.
STINE
Ed, you have so much talent. You can't just throw it all away. You could have been killed. You need to get your shit together and take care of yourself.
ED
I know, Stine. I'm fine. I'll chill out.
I know, Stine. I'm fine. I'll chill out.
AL
Ed, you have to check into rehab before the tour starts. You can't go out on the road like this. You won't be able to play up to par. People are depending on you. The crew, the fans.
ED
I can't take the pressure of having to live up to being the greatest guitarist of all time. I drink to help loosen myself up.
AL
That's why you have to go to rehab. You have to be able to be yourself without all the booze. I did it. You can, too.
That's why you have to go to rehab. You have to be able to be yourself without all the booze. I did it. You can, too.
ED
Fine.
END OF EXCERPT
